A short theatrical performance from the great mind of [RETRACTED].
Act I: Scene I
SCOTT: Oh, dear night sky, what shall I have for dinner this fair eve? I know! I believe a small something from that new place down the road would be nice.
[Scott leaves his apartment and enters a restaurant called 'The Spiffing Ham'.]
Act I: Scene II
WAITER: May I take your order young sir? wakwak
SCOTT: Yes, I'll have two quail egg souffles please, with a bottle of Peru's finest wine. Oh, and don't forget to add some extra caviar on the side.
WAITER: Thank You, monsieur. Your order has been placed. wakwak You seem very mature sir, wakwak, may I ask how old you are?
SCOTT: Me? Oh I am a first year at the university just near here. This is my first week.
WAITER: University? Why? wakwak How can you afford to dine in such an extravagant place such as this at such a young age? wakwak
SCOTT: To tell you the truth, good waiter, I can't. I have nearly run aground all my monetary resources designated to me by my dear Father for use in this entire year. And I haven't been splurging too much! Why, I can't have spent more than £150 a night! However, that doesn't include such pleasantries as a few alcohols here and there. In fact, I have one of Albania's finest whiskies here on me right now! Would you like to fathom a look, dear waiter?
WAITER: [In a befuzzled manner] Why yes, monsieur, wakwak, I would indeed.
[Stage fades to darkness.]
Act I: Scene III
SCOTT: Oh, dear! How could this have possibly have happened? I seem to have lost all of my money! I cannot imagine how I have spent £30000 in just 6 days! Oh dear, whatever shall I do?
[A bus drives away, revealing the large, stereotypical bank behind it.]
SCOTT: Perfect! I'll just borrow money from yonder bank. Tally Ho!
[Scott enters the bank.]
SCOTT: Good morning, sir. I would like to borrow money please.
BANKER: Ye wat?
SCOTT: Money, please. I am in great need of it.
BANKER: Arr, ye need sum dosh ay? How much ye thinkin' me lad?
SCOTT: I do not need much. Just £10000 should see me through a few more days.
BANKER: £10000? Thats a lot for such a youngin' like yourself. But I've no reason to complain. That'll be £10000 at 550% interest as long as you pay back before noon. If ye don't, ye'll hav te pay tha full whack of 2060% interest every other day. Ye got it?
SCOTT: Doesn't that seem a bit unreasonable, good sir? I mean, by noon? Surely that isn't right.
BANKER: Its as right as ye is wrong. Now, ye be wanting the money or shall ye be clearin' off?
SCOTT: [Speaking in rhyme for poetic reasons] I guess I'll have to take the deal, 'cause I'll do what I can to get a good meal.
[The money changes hands in large cloth bags labelled '$WAG'.]
SCOTT: [Still in verse] And so I will be on my way, May you have a terrific day.
[Scott leaves the bank with the bags over his shoulder.]
Act I: Scene IV
[Scott sits back and sighs.]
SCOTT: Now that was a lovely meal, I do hope they have a good dessert menu. Hark! I must not be generous with my spendings. I have only a pittance to live on so must take all care with the little money that is still in my possession.
WAITER: Would you like dessert as always sir?
SCOTT: Why, no. I must scrimp today, for my funds have almost run-adry. I'll just pay and then I'll be off.
WAITER: Very well, Monsieur.
[Waiter passes the bill to Scott.]
SCOTT: Why I have done well. The bill reads only £9800. That amount lies within my monetary constraints.
[Scott pays and leaves the restaurant.]
SCOTT: I guess I have used my money again. I guess that I'll take another trip to that bank man in the morn'.
[Scott walks off stage and the stage fades to darkness.]
Act I: Scene V
SCOTT: What do you mean you won't lend me any more?
BANKER: I mean wat I sed, mate. No more until you pay back all you owe us.
SCOTT: And how much would that be?
BANKER: Well ye owed me £10000 from yesterday, and ye owed interest ov 550% on that coz ye didn’t get tha deadline ov noon. So that’ll be £55000 rite now or ye’ll ‘ave to pay more interest t’morrow.
SCOTT: I cannot make money from thin air! What am I to do?
BANKER: Well I tell ye one thing. If ye don’t want this ‘ere debt of your’s to sky rocket, I’d sell up all ye belongings like ye house and ye techy gadgets.
SCOTT: But my house was given to me by my dear Father! I cannot just sell it like it is some foreign slave! Oh dear, what shall I do?
BANKER: If ye don’t, get ready for a real fistin’ ye ‘ear me straight? There ain’t much ye can do at this point wif out no income or job or nuphin’.
SCOTT: [In a defeated tone] I understand. I guess it is my only choice if I wish to escape these horrific debts. But, good sir, are you certain you cannot lend any more money? For I am a very trustworthy client and I have a very good record of debt repayal. I can assure you I will pay back by this Sunday afternoon.
BANKER: I sed no, ye worthless scallywag! Get out ov ‘ere unless ye gunna pay! Get out!
[Scott scampers to the bank door, stumbling over the threshold into the pouring rain outside.]
SCOTT: [In rhyme] Oh dear, oh no, what am I to do? I’ll have no home nor gourmet too! Today has been a terrible day. I just wish my debts would go away!
[Scott, on his knees, looks up at the sky and prays. Stage cuts to darkness.]
Act II Scene I
SCOTT: I have sold my house and my belongings. All I have now is my life and a huge debt. How shall I survive this terrible ordeal? Must I beg on the streets for money? Must I steal from others? I will never stoop so low as for that. For I am an honest man with a fine lineage which I must keep safe.
[A chef opens a side door and empties a tray of left-overs into the bin next to Scott.]
CHEF: Get away, foul beast. I will not have the likes of you taking meals from even the bins of our restaurant. Be gone with you! Scram!
[Scott turns to leave but a whiff of roasted mushrooms hits his nose and he cannot contain himself.]
SCOTT: That smell! I know it! Thats is the smell of roasted truffles! I must have them!
[Scott launches himself towards the bin, only to be intercepted by the chef.]
CHEF: Begone, I say. Or hither I will call the police and then you will be in a worse off state than you are now.
[Scott is hit in the stomach by the chef’s broom. Causing him to stagger backwards, stunned.]
[The chef slams the door and the alleyway is plunged into darkness.]
SCOTT: What have I become? A monster? I am disgraced. I shall raise enough money for a train ticket and then take my leave home. I have no hope on my own. I hope that my father will be kind to me and understand my situation. I sent him a fax just 2 days ago telling him that my account was low, so the shock should not be too great. I shall go now and beg, for all the I am worth.
Act II: Scene II
[Scott is sitting on a blanket on a street corner, wearing only a potato sack for clothes, begging for money off passersby.]
SCOTT: Please sir, a penny for the poor?
MAN: Nay, be off with you! Get a job! Get a disease for all I care! Just stop dirtying our streets.
SCOTT: Alas, this is all I get, there is no mercy for the poor. I have raised just £3 in a day. This is hopeless work. I wish to be gone from this place. A penny for the poor? I think not. The people of this town are as heartless as stone. I am to get about as much charity from a boulder as I am from these damned souls.
RUFFIAN: Oi, you there, sitting on the floor, I couldn’t help but notice dat you’re poor.
SCOTT: Begone, I need not help from those such as you.
RUFFIAN: Nah mate, listen. I got an idea. You ‘elp me out and you’ll be clear.
SCOTT: What are you saying, young man. I cannot understand such riddles.
RUFFIAN: I’m sayin’ I need some dirty work done, You’ll get some money and it’ll be fun!
SCOTT: Will I get enough to catch a train out of here?
RUFFIAN: At least that much, now listen ‘ere, Mug dat guy down at the pier.
SCOTT: If I do this you’ll help me out won’t you? Do not take me for a fool. I know a bad apple when I see one.
RUFFIAN: Come on mate, I’ll get yur money, I want to watch coz it’ll be funny.
SCOTT: Okay, I will, but if you cross me then I’ll get you back.
RUFFIAN: You got some guts now don’t you so! I’d watch me back so the cops don’t know.
[Scott stands up and follows the ruffian down to the pier. A man is standing there, looking out to sea.]
RUFFIAN: There ‘e his, now here’s a knife, Scare him a bit, but don’t take his life.
[Scott, holding a knife in shaking arms, walks up to the man.]
SCOTT: H-hey! You! Turn around. Give me your money or I’ll knock you a good one.
[The man turns so that Scott can see his face.]
SCOTT: F-father?
FATHER: Son! Is that you? It cannot be!
[Scott drops the knife and falls to his knees.]
SCOTT: Father, I have fallen ill to the devil. Please forgive me as I had nothing that could solve my problems as quickly as this.
FATHER: I should have foreseen this, for you are not unlike myself. I should have guessed that you would fall ill under the same sin as I. For that sin is the sin that can destroy a man straight from his soul. That sin, that sin is that of… Gourmet.
Act III Scene I
SCOTT: I cannot thank you enough for allowing me to return home with you after everything I have done. I would have thought that you would disown me or expel me from this family. I sincerely wish to be a good heir to the family name from this day forth.
FATHER: Son, listen here. I arrived at your university this morning, as I heard you were having financial troubles. However, I did not come to give you any sort of charity. I simply came to take you home, and I do not believe that you shall thank me so whole-heartedly when we arrive back at our estate.
SCOTT: What ever could you mean by that, father? You mean to say that you have not helped me by bringing me home? Surely you must know that I am not fit to live on my own at this present time due to my financial problems, and that is why you have brought me back. Nay? Am I mistaken?
FATHER: No entirely so, son. I am trying to help you, however, not by giving an amount of money or by allowing you residence in my house. I am merely acting as a Father should in this situation and try to prevent the fate of mine fall also to my son. I must stop this addiction before it is too late.
SCOTT: Addiction? You mean my tendency towards gourmet meals? I do not think that an addiction. I can stop at any time.
FATHER: Haha. It is a bit too late to be saying that now my son. But do not worry, I am treating you the same way as my Father treated me. I can assure you that the guidance you will get shortly is that of great skill, for I have summoned a teacher to help guide you along the path to a no-gourmet lifestyle.
SCOTT: What is this teachers name, may I ask?
FATHER: He is known throughout the globe, under many names. No one is sure exactly who he is, except for perhaps your Grandfather, but I know him to be the very best teacher there is for this situation. I think that it is best for you to wait until we reach the estate before I disclose any f urther information.
[The stage fades to darkness and there is the hissing of train pistons.]
Act III; Scene II
[Scott is standing outside the front door to his home.]
BUTLER: Ah, master Scott. Welcome back home.
SCOTT: Thank you, Sebastian. I am glad to be back here.
BUTLER: I wouldn’t be so jovial if I were you, master Scott.
SCOTT: Whatever could you mean, Sebastion? I’m sure all this has to be a practical joke of some description.
FATHER: Son. Please make your way into the dining room to meet your new teacher.
[Scott walks briskly into the dining room. The door, being held by his Father, is closed behind him and the key twisted in the lock.]
[Both Father and Butler remove their hats as if in a sign of respect.]
SCOTT: *gasp*
???: Hello, Scott…
SCOTT: No, it cannot be. I thought you were dead. But- but… ???: I have returned on request from your Father. To teach you a lesson about the perils of gourmet. For I am the only person who can save you now. I am, PENGILLEY!
SCOTT: I must flee, for otherwise I shall surely end.
[Scott tries the door, but it is still locked.]
SCOTT: Oh dear, oh no! I am doomed, Father, how could you betray me as though I was nothing but a worthless dog.
[Scott stops and takes a deep breath.]
SCOTT: But I guess, alas, that that is all I am now. A worthless dog about to be fed to the crows. Teacher indeed! I would be less terrified to have seen a hangman’s noose ready for my execution than this evil being. There is surely no hope for me.
PENGILLEY: Scott, your Father sent me an urgent pigeon earlier on this day, saying that I must come at once. I do not normally listen to the pleas of mortals, but I must adhere to the trust that your forefathers have bestowed on me. I have come to teach you about where you have gone wrong in your pitiful life. You have committed the greatest sin known to men, and there is nought you can do to atone for your foul actions. However, I have one technique that may be of help. I have named it the pillager of nations, devourer of souls, splitter of worlds.
[As he says this, Pengilley walks menacingly over to the shaking Scott.]
SCOTT: Alas! Eheu! Goodbye, bitter world.
[Pengilley winds up a punch, rage emanating from him.]
PENGILLEY: AS WE, GO THROUGH!
[The stage flashes as if struck by lightning and Scott’s body is flung upwards off stage. Cut to black.]
Act III Scene III
[Scott is lying, broken on the roof of his house. A pool of blood has formed around him and the rain is pouring heavily.]
[Scott coughs up blood and starts talking in a rasping voice.]
SCOTT: I… I am still alive… But for how long? My body is broken… I am finished.
[He tries to stand, but stumbles and starts to slip down the roof.]
SCOTT: Ah! The edge! I will perish for sure from that fall. But.. I guess this is my end, I must take it… graciously.
[He falls, in slow motion. The stage is silent and Scott can only be seen as a silhouette against the dark sky.]
NARRATOR: The unbecoming of all mankind, greed truly is the greatest of sins. As Scott plummeted to his doom, only half conscious, he saw a flag pole, jutting out from the side of the building. It was just within his reach, but did he have the physical energy or mental composure to grasp that thing that was so close, but yet so far. Could Scott, sinner of sinners, save his own life and take hold of the pole?
AUDIENCE CHOICE:
[Grab the pole. Do not grab the pole.]Act IV A: Grab the pole.
[Scott grasps the pole as he passes, bringing him to a juddering halt. He speaks, coughing up blood intermittently.]
SCOTT: I… I have saved own existence. But for what purpose? I am alone… no one can come to my aid for I am as far gone as I could be. Why? Why? Why can I not remove my past, and start, anew.
[Thunder crashes and the stage flashes as if hit by lightning. As the light fades the audience sees the pole has snapped, and they just catch a glimpse of Scott’s body crash to the floor before another lightning strike, and then black. Curtains draw.]
End of performance.
TRUE END. [Ever-Twisting Smile]
Act IV B: Do not grab the pole.
[Scott’s body continues to fall slowly, a shadow against the night. Suddenly, from the first floor, a shout is heard.]
PENGILLEY: That which can be used in malice, may also be used for good. Steel is my body, and fire is my blood. I am not myself, merely a reflection. Unknown to death, nor known to life. I have withstood hardships to save many lives. Yet, my heart will never feel anything. And so, as I pray; As we go, THROUGH!
[Pengilly's figure can be seen crashing through the side of the house. He holds Scott’s lifeless body close to his, out of harm's way, protecting him as they plummet downwards.]
SCOTT: P-Pengilley... How could you… PENGILLEY: I have not done this for you... I have done this only for me, as... my punishment.
[The pair hit the floor, the crack of bones can be heard.]
[A spotlight shines on Scott, sitting on the corpse of Pengilley. Scott is silent for a moment, before raising his head upwards and letting out a loud wail. (Around 130-140 dB.) He starts to speak in hysterics.]
SCOTT: NO! NO! NO! This cannot be, this is not the fate I have wished for. The only one who ever cared for me, dead before me! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! I would rather have been in eternal pain than to kill the one was as just as this martyr. Nay, a martyr he was not, but a God. He had already obtained immortality, he had already obtained perfection. But no, perfection was not enough for him. NOT ENOUGH! He needed more, and more he got. The selfless sacrifice truly is the most selfish of means. SELFISH! A contradiction of words, but a truth of being. None knew that as much as him. I was blind. But now I can see. However, alas, all too late. Although my body may live on, my soul has perished with him.
End of performance. GOOD END. [Celestial Aspirations]
[End of Script]
As we go through (as we go through)
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